EQUAL, OR … UNEQUAL YOKES
As a Pastor of over 51 years I have seen some wonderful, elaborate and “high class” weddings, some of them must have cost tens of thousands of hard earned dollars, very impressive!
Well before the Big Day, there are days when the officiating pastor meets with the happy couple to plan the details of the service. Having signed preparatory certificates we settle back to talk further about the details of the service that will make it special.
When details are finalised I ask the question … “We’ve talked about the wedding ceremony and I know it will be beautiful … but what of the marriage?”… Your investment and preparation for the marriage should exceed every plan and detail for the ceremony.
At the longest, the wedding service will last an hour, but the marriage is to last “until death parts you” … That’s a sobering note!
Jesus spoke to us graphically about the household, the family, and marriage. Its pleasure and success is determined by foundations. One of those vital foundations is compatibilities.
All of us are different, the individuality of personality and variation of gifts bring colour and richness into any relationship and in particular, marriage … this is the “icing” on “the cake”. However, seriously, the foundations must be compatibilities and united convictions. Here are just a few compatibilities that are essential.
Spiritual … Do you both share the deep commitment to the Knowledge of God and a hunger for His will, whatever that is, and wherever that may lead. Conflict here would be disastrous, its more than just being “church-i-zed”
Family Values … What are the values that have been taught and expressed in the homes and family of your intended spouse?
Emotional … An unbalanced and differing emotional and temperamental marriage will, in days of trial be difficult to say the least. We get confused between personality and emotional bias … a differing personality is wonderful, but an unequal yoke emotionally will be inflammatory or even explosive.
Physical … A robust and disciplined athlete will be a torment to a physically frail and reluctant companion … this can be especially concerning in intimacy and demand.
Ages … The difference in age is important if you’re wanting a balanced outlook and understanding … “times and seasons” change with the passage of time, a spouse from another era will be unnerved and mystified when a partner is governed by by-gone values or past pressures economically, or culturally.
Culture … “Mixed” marriages will bring many and varied challenges. I’ve seen and been aware of mountainous and unscalable heights for two clashing cultures. Great understanding and long, and comprehensive communication must be entered into … a clear appreciation of cultural roots must be embraced or at least, understood and appreciated, or there will be a constant conflict …one such case, the daughter of the Queen’s cousin was married for a short time to a South Pacific Island man … The disparity and difference between the two cultures were too much … The marriage failed!
Intellectual … An uneven balance between an educated and uneducated couple would be difficult to cope with. There is a dangerous potential for boredom and irritability here when communication is limited, the chasm intellectually can only become wider.
Educational … As above an educated person has a love for knowledge, the partner not so exercised will find it irritating when they feel removed from and marginalised by their lack … also being “ill at ease” when the circle of the educated partner is talking about subjects beyond his or her understanding.
Social … This is a secondary aspect, but still important if one member of a relationship is very social and loves folk over to visit and the spouse is more reserved and retiring socially. This entertainment “burden” can be difficult and wearying. I’ve seen this often, with a gregarious husband, even a pastor wants an “open house” policy and the wife is less enthused about it, wanting her home to be a haven, and has children to care for, domestic and practical needs to attend to. A balance should be sought and understood and practiced.
Financial … Some couples have had a real challenge with saving and spending, perhaps, different backgrounds is the key.
A young woman brought up in a prosperous home marries a man with limited prospects financially or a thrifty man who is more than careful financially, this friction will soon become a battle ground, selfishness in domestic finances is very prevalent in breakdowns in many marriages … also, giving biblically must be an agreed commitment, or there will be further, growing tension.
Material … Have a clear understanding of marital, family “vision” when it comes to pursuing material projects.
Artistic Creativity and Pursuits … Usually, artistic flair is an attraction in relationships, when a “professional” musician etc marries someone without any appreciation for that sphere there can be friction. If the musician spends a lot of time pursuing his/her art or enjoying company with fellow musicians, shutting out the non creative person in cultural isolation.
Conversation/Communication balance … “chatty” spouses who don’t show discretion and sensitivity regarding issues that the partner would rather maintain privacy about will eventually cause massive friction … “but I tell my Mother, my sister, my best friend etc etc everything” is not a good enough excuse. This indiscretion will threaten trust and prevent sacred conversations when the reserved partner suspects it will be shared outside the marriage.
Parental Discretion … Parents are of inestimable value, but must know the boundaries so that every time there is a challenge in the marriage they don’t become a battle station … couples must work out their differences and difficulties firstly, together and then draw on the wisdom available outside the family sphere. Bias in marriage tensions is dangerous.
Family, and former marriages & relationships … A second marriage brings all kinds of challenges. Former spouses, if there are children from the former marriage are always there … not just on special occasions, like weddings etc … they will maintain interests and seek to influence their offspring … remember … you marry into a family and will find it very difficult not to feel that you’ve married the family. This is a very real, undermining aspect to a marriage. Divorce and remarriage has many “treacherous shoals” and needs to be navigated with sensitivity, caution and wisdom.
Expectations, Goals, Visions … These are progressive and need to be adjusted as circumstances change. A goal and all its sacrifices can be “interrupted” by a changed circumstance, financial challenges, or a baby on the way. Approach the challenge with prayer and the thought that the expectation should be of adjustment rather than abandonment.
Disciplines … Personal discipline and disciplining your children must be agreed to before the occasion, when the need for discipline arises. Parental conflict often stems from views that are a result of one’s past. An over correcting parent in the past, makes for a resolve to be easier and more accommodating in discipline of the next generation. That has to be clearly understood and agreed to or there’ll be tension between parents.
Recreational … Joint recreation is fun, enjoyable … keep it that way … “together” exercise along with personal pursuits is always advisable.
Health, Physical and Mental … An unequal yoke with health is a challenge. I’ve seen awful situations when a robust, healthy individual has entered a relationship where the spouse has “demanding” needs physically and even emotionally or mentally … the future care and support has to be thought through and agreed to … it’s unfair, unkind, wrong to afterwards resent the encroachment of care needed to support the “weaker” spouse … sentimental attachment, romantic illusions are soon tortured realities when day after day the physical or mental needs take precedence over a normal marital life …. be warned.
Respect and Honour … Maintain this from day one in any and all relationships. It’s been said and experience that in any relationship, and especially marriage … “if respect is gone, love will soon follow” … The shades and levels of passion may alter, the emotional needs and physical desires may change, but respect and honour will maintain a strong commitment and great relationship that is protected and enjoyed.
Church Commitment … Before any marriage an earnest couple, seeking to serve God, must realise that as the relationship matures and circumstances change the welfare of the marriage and family is paramount … not as an excuse to become insular or cocooned within the family, or the marriage. But work out together where your principal “callings” are and negotiate and navigate your way through to a satisfying service … we are “workers together with Him” … Happily … Fruitfully … and with Much Fruit.
Finally … Compatibility and unity are vital to any relationship, guard it … don’t neglect it and work diligently on the “adjusting of your yoke” … so that your direction and accomplishments are amazing and satisfying to God and yourselves.
ALWAYS … THINK “We” NOT “Me”