STICKING LIKE “GLUE” … (Not going up in ablaze of “IN-GLORY”)
We live, tragically in an Era of “disposable” commodities … a “throw away” world and even more frightening is that we dismiss relationships callously when they seemingly have “run their course” or we encounter what we think are “impossible” hurdles
We tend not to analyse and cooperatively work toward a positive and enduring change The term we use is “we’re moving on” cutting our losses and looking to a rosy future. That’s a pipe dream … what’s not dealt with rises up, uncomfortably to haunt us and hunt us down tainting the future and undermining every hope we had for a cloudless horizon.
Why do we go from relationship to relationship so easily, pledging our commitment and allegiance with such passion, only ending up in a frustrated heap. I believe it’s to do with that word just used, “passion”. The indulgence of emotions without the counterbalance of sound wisdom. It’s more, what we “feel” than what we think through that governs our desires and impassioned commitments.
Passion and emotion have their integral part and place in a bonded, committed relationship but the “building” and bonding comes first.
What bonds a couple so that through the ups and downs, they inevitably will face, keeps that relationship on a steady, balanced and matured level, It’s … COMPATIBILITY or, more importantly, Compatibilities (plural)
The Bible, in The Prophet Amos’s writings asks the question “can two walk together unless they be agreed” An intelligent, conscientious understanding of each other and the desires and expectations of each other should be talked through, clearly understood and adjusted where needed: If that “agreement” can’t be arrived at, don’t commence the “walk together”
What COMPATIBILITIES should we be clear about?
- Spiritual Compatibility … what is the experience each have had “in God” and what is the hope and longing of each in their relationship with God: How vital and imperative a united walk with God is for a young couple “walking” towards marriage and consequently and subsequently becoming parents of children who will need a united and committed Mother and Father.
- Social Compatibility: how important are family and friends to each? We all marry into a family but some people seem to feel they’ve “married the family” finding a closeness that seems binding and suffocating. The Bible talks about “a man will leave his Father and Mother, his family and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh” and that is essential for a wife too. It’s not relinquishing or rejecting family or a circle of friends but knowing to what level they take precedence in comparison to the marriage (I’ve seen by contrast one partner in marriage become almost possessive and reclusive socially leaving the spouse to socialise alone at even important occasions) Compatibility socially is essential.
- Financial Compatibility is something that has to be clearly thought through. What if one member of the marriage comes from a financially secure background where little thought of sacrifice much less, want or need was considered. With taking on a mortgage and other commitments there are difficulties because the income is not what the spouse is used to, and resentment born out of a sense of loss grows. Spending freely has to be contained and disciplined and a budget adhered to. Money problems account for a huge amount of difficulties in marriages. A clear understanding of what lies ahead needs to be agreed to by the “to be married” Couple.
- Physical and Sexual Compatibility. Sexual intimacy is an integral part of any marriage and its sacred not just enjoyable and fulfilling and importantly, “bonding” the becoming “one flesh” is not just the exhilaration of the emotional and physical release of passion and desire, sexual intimacy is meant to be shared privately, totally, enjoyably. It is the continuing, deepening of two hearts and lives committed to each other. It is a physical, emotional, even spiritual journey in love: Frankly speaking the entering into sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage irrespective of the World’s demands. Some couples have differing “past’s”and with that difference, differing expectations and even demands. That can be a shock to the newly married spouse physical stamina and sexual desire has to be explained and understood. Sometimes guidance and counselling is helpful and even necessary. Some coming from a strict religious or Christian background faced with a formerly “experienced” and confident partner can be a shock and can frighten and repulse the newly initiated partner so, again, counselling is necessary.
- Intellectual Compatibility is going to be important as the marriage develops. An educated partner will feel inhibited by a spouse unable to understand or converse, or mix with his/her colleagues and friends. So, what do you do? It should be obvious: ask questions or read and thereby understand to some degree, the “world” that will definitely be part of the life being entered into through marriage.
- Emotional Compatibility is an understanding of the formation of a future spouse’s “make up”. The feelings, reactions, responses, fears, fancies, outlooks. All these will dynamically and dramatically affect the relationship. A clear, compassionate understanding is vital and an undertaking to work toward emotional stability will bring about a balanced compatibility.
There are other “Compatibilities” that could be considered such as Cultural Compatibility. It is vital to understand a cultural background because it will have a profound affect on the marriage and family. Customs and cultural expectations will be very demanding depending on which part of the world the spouse comes from.
Practical Compatibility is the need to know, understand and agree on how a home is run, the roles shared by both partners and the domestic compatibility extends to running the home and the shared commitment in parenting.
All of these need to be thought through, prayed through and “talked through” so you can “walk together” in unity, harmony and an ever-deepening pleasure.